This one is about early recollection and breakthrough.
I embarked postgraduate study in counselling this year. It is vital that students have their own counselling experience with counsellors. So that we understand better, from visitor's position, how it feels to express oneself to a professional "stranger", and the same time, for better self-reflection. This request of course makes a lot of sense.
I'd like to share a breakthrough that I had with my counsellor Glen, in which I had great release, gained great reconnection with myself, and great inspiration. Hoping this can somehow encourage you one way or the other.
It's probably all the readings about psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler, Carl Jung, Erickson that drive me to really want to go through early years/childhood recollection. Or, perhaps also the unconscious inner push - now it's the time to pick up the "unfinished stories".
I sat down and put this upfront to Glen in the beginning of the session, "I'd like to tap into childhood. I hesitated to do this by myself as I'm worried it'd be overwhelming so I've been waiting to process this with you." In less than 2 minutes, I felt strong and vivid emotion rising up so I said, "I will not suppress emotions any more. I will let tears flowing out." (Glen later told me that this is an important decision and declare to the universe)
I started by narrating what I've gone through in the matter of my parent's divorce. As I described, I feel myself as the young person at that age, I went over the memories and described the feelings of panicking, helpless, sadness, heartbroken... with no attempt in any way to stop, or manage, or cover. This "total go over" never happened in the past. After so many years it finally occurred.
No-talking is disconnection. Disconnection is avoiding, avoiding is emotion negligence. Emotion negligence is self-forgetting. Self-forgetting is impairment to self-identity and self-worth. And that, cause damages and hurts.
There’s a lot to say about what’s contained in my running tears. Some of them are supposed to come out at the age of 12, but they were only invited to come out now. I feel it’s the first time I am truly, fully and openly facing self, to see and to be with my younger self; the first time to allow and recognize these emotions, and their existence.
Glen asked, “what’s all these now tell about you?” I knew each word of his question, but I didn’t get it the first time. There’s no immediate answer so I repeated his words and tried to come up with an answer. Glen said one more time, what’s these tell about you now?
I said, “I want to be real.”
Glen told me later that when I said the word “Real”, the color of my face changed, lit up.
Be real, only then one can be whole.
Real, not just real to others, the ableness of being real to oneself. One thing very important to remember, the hurt feelings do not make less of the value of a person. It is pretty much similar to say, sickness does not reduce the value of a life. Think of Steven Hawking, can anyone on this planet deny his value of life due to his disease?
Healing, is not about justifying what happened in the past. It's not about changing the past. It is seeing the negligence or suppressed emotions, for whatever reason they were not allowed in the past. Recollect is to see and reconnect with what's been forgotten and left behind in the unconscious, and pull them onto the present. Recognize their existence - then you will reach a wholeness, a genuineness of real self. And this is how psychoanalysis work, "the good half of Freud".
Before letting go, you know exactly what it is that you are letting go. Otherwise, "letting go" is just a fancy preaching. You simply cannot let go of something that still remains in the unconsciousness.
Friendly reminder:
After this session, Glen mentioned that it's safe for me to do this alone as I didn't crawl into a ball to a corner or screaming or tensed trembling... However every person is different. It is not always safe to go over early recollection alone. If you concern the emotion could be too strong and overwhelming that you might lose control and end up hurting yourself and others, better start with a trained counsellor.
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