Yes, there's a price to be paid even for increased awareness. I'm not going to sing all the praises for increased awareness without recognizing the cost behind. If you see yourself as an evolving soul, then read along. This is not an easy read. It could potentially brings some disturbances. Are you ready?
Clients need to learn that a price must be paid for increased awareness. As we become more aware, it is more difficult to “go home again”.
Ignorance of our condition may have brought contentment along with a feeling of partial deadness, but as we open doors in our world, we can expect more turmoil as well as the potential for more fulfilment.
It was about 7 am that I read these lines from “Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy” Chapter Six – Existential Therapy, authored by Gerald Corey. This is a godly hour worth remembering.
I couldn’t move away my eyes. I read them over and over again, every time there's more and more gratitude. They are the answer I’ve been waiting for, searching for, hoping for. I agree with every single word. Not theoretically agree, but experientially agree.
They perfectly capture, diagnose and summarize what I’ve been through in the past two years. I thank Life for revealing the answer in front of me. In the journey of seeking self-awareness, I’ve had many queries along the way. I always get to see the answer, eventually. Life has never disappointed me in this regard.
Turmoil, is a state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty. This is the price to pay for an increased awareness.
Here are a few signs of emerging awareness:
Notice a trade between the securities of dependence vs anxieties by choosing for ourselves.
Began to see self-identity is anchored in someone’s else definition, that is, seeking approval and confirmation of own being in others instead of looking to oneself for affirmation.
One can accept their limitations yet still feel worthwhile, for they understand that they do not need to be perfect to feel worthy.
If you recall my previous article on Self-Love, I mentioned there are three intellectual conducts of mankind: having faith in a God (信主) , put weight on virtues(重德) and philosophy .
There are strictly rigid and fixed framework in the first and the second category. Have a faith in a God, that’s basically religion. Put weight on virtues, refers to the culture where virtues (such as teachings from Confucianism) is the morally command in behaviors'.
I had ten years deep involvement in a community which emphasizes not only one, but both of these. I lived, grew and developed solidly in this environment which I had thought - that’s it, that’s the rest of my life – until, the expansion of self-awareness reached the edge of their frameworks. Eventually, instead of being settled and anchored within the fence, I outgrew.
It is not easy. Hear me out here, it is really hard. Back then, I wasn’t clear and readily enough to explain to those who were close and who’s in the centre of the community. I didn’t know how to express in a sense that it doesn’t sound blasphemy or betrayal and doesn’t sound like making excuses. It is a battle of myself, in the fusion of loneliness.
When people talk about “comfort zone” these days, many say it’s getting up earlier, working harder. But the real deal, perhaps the hardest leaving of “comfort zone” is the turmoil of questioning the “truth” and “standardization” one has been living for years.
The trouble with so many of us is that we have sought directions, answers, values, and beliefs from the important people in our world. Rather than trusting ourselves to search within and find our own answers to the conflicts in our life. We sell out by becoming what others expect of us. Our being becomes rooted in their expectations, and we become strangers to ourselves.
At that time, a noticeable concern I could not pretend not hearing from within is the feeling of lost. I couldn’t see myself anymore. I began to aware that it was more fear than love that kept me going.
The fear that if I don’t do this, it’s not going to please others. Fear that if I leave, people would think negatively about me; fear that if I leave, there would be condemnation fall on me. Fear is harmful and unhealthy. It’s the source of all pressure which directly resulted in many sleepless nights.
When my mind was so busy battling and couldn’t reach a decision, my physical body, this intelligent device of wisdom, sent me a warning. One morning, when I got up, I sensed so clearly (as if I was told in face) that every cell from my back is shouting they are nervous. I (or my mind) even got the message that if I don’t change, I would end up having deadly disease that cannot be reversed.
Till this day, I am grateful for the teamwork of spirit, mind and body. They work holistically with each other to push life ahead. Our body reacts honestly regardless of what values we hold up to. Before any big change of life, body changes first. It’s like a reference check of the unconscious part of mind. If you intend to do something, and “mysteriously” you get pains and unwell feelings from your body, I suggest you to slow down. Where you are going is probably not entirely in line with your spirit, body and mind.
So instead of living a life fueled by fear, I decided to face the anxiety of change.
When we make a decision that involves reconstruction of our life, the accompany anxiety can be a signal that we are ready for personal change and can be a stimulus for growth. If we learn to listen to the subtle messages of anxiety, we can dare to take the steps necessary to change the directions of our lives.
It’s just that two years ago, I didn’t have the guidance of all the texts I quote here. I moved ahead only by the heartbeat of inner self and a bare courage. Hence why I’m very grateful to see these after all these times. Sometimes, to say that with all respects and awe, Life is like a naughty child playing hide-and-seek. It only provides rationales after all the troubles and nerves.
Searching for the meaning of life is a significant theme in the existential therapy. The idea that meaning in life is an ongoing process we struggle with throughout our life. What provides meaning one day may not provide meaning the next, and what has been meaning to a person throughout life may be meaningless when a person is on his or her deathbed. (Vontress, 2013)
I’m reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections, the autobiography of Carl Jung recently. Jung is a singular and legend in the field of psychology. However in the prologue of the book, a man in his 80s, after decades of dedicated searching meanings in spirituality, religions, mind, unconscious, he said,
I am a man. But what is it to be that? Like every other being, I am a splinter of the infinite deity, but I cannot contrast myself with any animal, any plant or any stone. Only a mythical being has a range greater than man’s. How then can a man form any definite opinions about himself?
What we are to our inward vision, and what man appears to be sub speice aeternitatis*, can only be expressed by way of myth. Myth is more individual and expresses life more precisely than does science. Science works with concepts of averages which are far too general to do justice to the subjective variety of an individual life.
His prologue is pitched in a querying tone of life, leaves open questions, displays a sincerity of uncertainty, yet ongoing searching into the wonders of life. This attitude touched me greatly.
Me, too, would rather to leave the world in a posture of continuing seeking and evolving, rather than an imagined state of know-all.
* sub speice aeternitatis is a latin phrase, means under the aspect of eternity.
全句翻译：人类在永恒的眼光下看起来是什么样子
Lastly, a brief comment on the third intellectual conduct. I haven’t learned or experienced enough to talk about it on my own, but here’s what inspired me and gave me an initial impression:
Philosophers, are the people who want to Know the world, not to Change the world. For those who want to change the world, they are called something else. Philosophy evolves by breaking, challenging frameworks or common sense. When Socrates say "I know that I know nothing" is not a conduct in the virtue of humbleness. It's more of a sincere sober self-awareness and confession to the Universe...
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